The Fiction of Owen Thomas

Henry's Interview Corner


A Beagle Dreams of Finally Getting Some Answers

Oprah Winfrey

(Interviewed December 26, 2012)

H:   Oprah.

O:   Henry.

H:   Welcome.

O:   Thank you.

H:   There is one housekeeping matter before we get started.

O:   What’s that?

H:   Would you mind terribly if I sat in your lap?

O:   I’ve never been interviewed from my own lap before.

H:   I like to keep things fresh.

O:   Okay. Come on aboard.

H:   Thank you. Lean back a little so I can see your face.

O:   How’s this?

H:   Perfect. Is this too close?

O:   No. This is fine.

H:   Sure? You’re kind of … you’re wrinkling your…

O:   What did you have for lunch, Henry?

H:   I picked up some Moo Goo Gai Pan on the way over.

O:   I see. Where, pray tell, does a Beagle pick up Moo Goo Gai Pan?

H:   In a box out behind the dumpster. Are you ready?

O:   Let’s get this done. I’ve got a meeting.

H:   You, Oprah, have a television network.

O:   I do.

H:   It’s called OWN.

O:   Yes.

H:   And that’s because you own it?

O:   It stands for Oprah Winfrey Network.

H:   That’s you.

O:   Yes.

H:   That’s a very convenient acronym, if you ask me.

O:   I suppose.

H:   I mean, take anything beginning with the letter N and you can slap your name on it and whammo, you own it.

O:   Well…

H:   Oprah Winfrey’s Newspaper. Whammo! You own it.

O:   Henry…

H:   Oprah Winfrey’s Niagra Falls. Whammo! You own a waterfall.

O:   Please stop saying whammo.

H:   Oprah Winfrey’s New York. Whammo! Oprah Winfrey’s Nation. Whammo! Oprah Winfrey’s Nilky Way. Whammo!

O:   It’s Milky Way. Not Nilky Way.

H:   Yeah, but by the time anyone really scrutinizes the title report, you’ll be in complete control and can change the name at will. You’re one convenient typo away from owning a galaxy.

O:   That’s ridiculous.

H:   Are you denying that you have a weak spot for… well, let’s not call it pillaging, let’s call it the ecstasy of rapacious acquisition?

O:   No, I… look. Henry. I am fortunate enough to have the resources that allow me to purchase the things that make me happy and that make other people happy.

H:   Cut the crap, sister…

O:   I will eject you from this lap, Henry.

H:   Sorry. Let me ask you this… don’t you find it strange that your last name is a simple combination of the word win, meaning to vanquish, and free, meaning without cost. I mean, do you deny that you believe it is your birthright to conquer humanity and take all of its stuff?

O:   That’s not how you spell my name. And, no, I don’t believe you can dissect a name like that.

H:   Do you have a steady man in your life?

O:   Yes.

H:   What’s his name?

O:   Steadman… Henry! That’s about enough. You either change the subject or I am out of here. I told you I have a meeting.

H:   What time does the galactic auction start, anyway?

O:   This is your last warning.

H:   Fine. Let’s talk about your dogs.

O:   Good.

H:   Two Springer Spaniels, Lauren and, uh, Sunny, I believe.

O:   Yes. Very cute and well-behaved, I might add.

H:   Hmm. What kind of disposition would you say Sunny has?

O:   Henry…

H:   Okay. It is my understanding that you are leaving $30 million to your dogs when you die, is that right?

O:   That’s correct.

H:   And they have their own private chefs and nannies and financial advisors.

O:   They do not have their own financial advisors.

H:   Because you’re keeping them in the dark about the money.

O:   No.

H:   You’re concerned about embezzlement. Springer Spaniels mounting a hostile takeover of the OWN empire.

O:   No.

H:   Why not? Springer Spaniels mount everything else.

O:   Okay. I think we’re done here.

H:   No, no, no. Sit. Sit!

O:   Oh, no you did NOT just command Oprah Winfrey to sit down.

H:   I meant please. Please don’t stand up. Look into these big brown eyes.

O:   You are cute, Henry. Obnoxious, but cute.

H:   Can I just hit on one more issue? Please? Pleaeaeaeasssse?

O:   One more.

H:   You heard about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

O:   I did. Very sad.

H:   Yes, and are you sad because Mr. Cruise proclaimed his love for Katie like an orangutan on your couch?

O:   No.

H:   Are you as relieved as the rest of us that there was no ejaculate involved?

O:   Henry…

H:   Do you think that’s a Scientology thing?

O:   What?

H:   Proclaiming your love like a lower primate while jumping on top of furniture.

O:   No.

H:   Ever interviewed John Travolta?

O:   Of course.

H:   Some interesting headlines about him too this summer.

O:   He’s a friend of mine, Henry.

H:   He’s a Scientologist too. Has he ever done the orangutan couch abuse love dance?

O:   No.

H:   Have Tom Cruise and John Travolta ever been on your couch, like… you know… together?

O:   Okay. That’s it.

H:   Wait, wait! Will you adopt me? Can I come hang out by the pool? Oprah! Can I have some money? Do you own New Zealand? Can I have New Zealand?! Nicaragua?! Oprah!

Next Guest: Higgs Boson


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