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Henry's Interview Corner
A Beagle Dreams of Finally Getting Some Answers
Oprah Winfrey
H: Oprah.
O: Henry.
H: Welcome.
O: Thank you.
H: There is one housekeeping matter before we get started.
O: What’s that?
H: Would you mind terribly if I sat in your lap?
O: I’ve never been interviewed from my own lap before.
H: I like to keep things fresh.
O: Okay. Come on aboard.
H: Thank you. Lean back a little so I can see your face.
O: How’s this?
H: Perfect. Is this too close?
O: No. This is fine.
H: Sure? You’re kind of … you’re wrinkling your…
O: What did you have for lunch, Henry?
H: I picked up some Moo Goo Gai Pan on the way over.
O: I see. Where, pray tell, does a Beagle pick up Moo Goo Gai Pan?
H: In a box out behind the dumpster. Are you ready?
O: Let’s get this done. I’ve got a meeting.
H: You, Oprah, have a television network.
O: I do.
H: It’s called OWN.
O: Yes.
H: And that’s because you own it?
O: It stands for Oprah Winfrey Network.
H: That’s you.
O: Yes.
H: That’s a very convenient acronym, if you ask me.
O: I suppose.
H: I mean, take anything beginning with the letter N and you can slap your name on it and whammo, you own it.
O: Well…
H: Oprah Winfrey’s Newspaper. Whammo! You own it.
O: Henry…
H: Oprah Winfrey’s Niagra Falls. Whammo! You own a waterfall.
O: Please stop saying whammo.
H: Oprah Winfrey’s New York. Whammo! Oprah Winfrey’s Nation. Whammo! Oprah Winfrey’s Nilky Way. Whammo!
O: It’s Milky Way. Not Nilky Way.
H: Yeah, but by the time anyone really scrutinizes the title report, you’ll be in complete control and can change the name at will. You’re one convenient typo away from owning a galaxy.
O: That’s ridiculous.
H: Are you denying that you have a weak spot for… well, let’s not call it pillaging, let’s call it the ecstasy of rapacious acquisition?
O: No, I… look. Henry. I am fortunate enough to have the resources that allow me to purchase the things that make me happy and that make other people happy.
H: Cut the crap, sister…
O: I will eject you from this lap, Henry.
H: Sorry. Let me ask you this… don’t you find it strange that your last name is a simple combination of the word win, meaning to vanquish, and free, meaning without cost. I mean, do you deny that you believe it is your birthright to conquer humanity and take all of its stuff?
O: That’s not how you spell my name. And, no, I don’t believe you can dissect a name like that.
H: Do you have a steady man in your life?
O: Yes.
H: What’s his name?
O: Steadman… Henry! That’s about enough. You either change the subject or I am out of here. I told you I have a meeting.
H: What time does the galactic auction start, anyway?
O: This is your last warning.
H: Fine. Let’s talk about your dogs.
O: Good.
H: Two Springer Spaniels, Lauren and, uh, Sunny, I believe.
O: Yes. Very cute and well-behaved, I might add.
H: Hmm. What kind of disposition would you say Sunny has?
O: Henry…
H: Okay. It is my understanding that you are leaving $30 million to your dogs when you die, is that right?
O: That’s correct.
H: And they have their own private chefs and nannies and financial advisors.
O: They do not have their own financial advisors.
H: Because you’re keeping them in the dark about the money.
O: No.
H: You’re concerned about embezzlement. Springer Spaniels mounting a hostile takeover of the OWN empire.
O: No.
H: Why not? Springer Spaniels mount everything else.
O: Okay. I think we’re done here.
H: No, no, no. Sit. Sit!
O: Oh, no you did NOT just command Oprah Winfrey to sit down.
H: I meant please. Please don’t stand up. Look into these big brown eyes.
O: You are cute, Henry. Obnoxious, but cute.
H: Can I just hit on one more issue? Please? Pleaeaeaeasssse?
O: One more.
H: You heard about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
O: I did. Very sad.
H: Yes, and are you sad because Mr. Cruise proclaimed his love for Katie like an orangutan on your couch?
O: No.
H: Are you as relieved as the rest of us that there was no ejaculate involved?
O: Henry…
H: Do you think that’s a Scientology thing?
O: What?
H: Proclaiming your love like a lower primate while jumping on top of furniture.
O: No.
H: Ever interviewed John Travolta?
O: Of course.
H: Some interesting headlines about him too this summer.
O: He’s a friend of mine, Henry.
H: He’s a Scientologist too. Has he ever done the orangutan couch abuse love dance?
O: No.
H: Have Tom Cruise and John Travolta ever been on your couch, like… you know… together?
O: Okay. That’s it.
H: Wait, wait! Will you adopt me? Can I come hang out by the pool? Oprah! Can I have some money? Do you own New Zealand? Can I have New Zealand?! Nicaragua?! Oprah!
Next Guest: Higgs Boson