The Fiction of Owen Thomas

Henry's Interview Corner


A Beagle Dreams of Finally Getting Some Answers

Dick Cheney and Justin Bieber

(Interviewed April 13, 2013)

H:   Mr. Bieber.  Mr. Cheney. Welcome to Henry’s Interv…

DC:   First of all, you’re a beagle.

H:   Yes.

DC:   I was expecting Sean Hannity.

H:   Why were you expecting Sean Hannity?

DC:   I just assumed. And second, I was expecting a one-on-one, not a one-on-two. No one said this was a joint interview.

JB:   Hey Dawg. Where’s your bathroom?

H:   Out in the yard. Behind the hedge is always good.

JB:   What? Dawg. The yard?

H:   Hey…Dawg. I’m a beagle. What do you want?

JB:   Think I’ll just hold it.

DC:   Oh, quit being such a pussy. I don’t even know who you are and you’re already pissing me off. Go like a man. I did.

JB:   In… the yard?!

DC:   It’s not the White House rose garden but it will do. God damned lot of people out there though. And they did not exactly greet me like a liberator. But who’s laughing now?

JB:   Those are my fans. You peed on my fans?!

DC:   Go fuck yourself, kid. A little collateral damage is to be expected. Are we done here?

H:   No. Look, I know maybe this format is probably unexpected but I think you’re both going to enjoy yourselves. This is what I like to call a mash-up interview, where I bring together very different people with very different backgrounds and ask them questions that hopefully they are not used to answering. Who wants to kick things off?

DC:   This sounds like the stupidest…

H:   Okay. Very good. Mr. Cheney. I knew I could count on you to volunteer. Let me just ask you this: Do you have Bieber fever?

DC:   I can’t say that I know what that is. I’m not a doctor. But I have…

JB:   I thought you’d always be mine, mine. Baby, baby, baby, ohhh…

H:   Uh, yeah, Justin, I’ll get to you in just a second. Hold that thought. So, Mr. Cheney, you were saying.

DC:   I have had a variety of fevers associated with my heart problems over the years. I’ve survived five heart attacks and a transplant. You don’t do that without a fever or two. Maybe one of them was a beaver fever.

H:   Oh. No, not a beaver fever. A Bieber fever.

DC:   Same answer. Ask me something else before I snap your mutt neck.

H:   Oh. Okay. So if Bieber fever is not your thing, do you prefer, say, One Direction?

DC:   One direction is preferable, yes. Effective governing means efficient governing. The liberals think they can be all things to all people. They go one direction for one demographic and they go off in the opposite direction for another demographic. You can’t effectively govern that way. You just can’t. Conservatives are all about following a set of core political principles. We’re not a bunch of undisciplined whores who will promise anything to…

JB:   You’re my special little lady, the one that makes me crazy, of all the girls I’ve ever known, it’s youuuu…

DC:   You want to shut him up? This is the second time he’s interrupted me. I’ve shot people in the face for less than that. What kind of show are you running here?

H:   Sorry. Justin, please, just hold on a minute.

JB:   But I really have to pee.

H:   You should have thought of that before we started. Just hold it.

JB:   Do you have like an X-Box around, or….

H:   No.

JB:   Boom box? Juice box? Baaaaabbyyy…

H:   Please don’t make me call your mom. Just sit there and hold it together for another minute. Mr. Cheney, what is your position on auto-tuning? Do you think it is a threat to the entire industry?

DC:   Well I’m no mechanic, Henry. I’m not under the hood a lot. But I will tell you, as I have told many others before you, that the auto bailout was a shameless give-away to an industry that was in some desperate need of tough love, not coddling like it was some baby. The marketplace is no place for babies. The free market does not coddle babies. The free market eats babies.

H:   It eats them?

DC:   Yes. That is what economic Darwinism is all about. Failing companies provide valuable financial protein for the successful companies.  Defenseless babies in need of protection do not last long in the jungle of capitalism.  You either eat your siblings and grow up or you will be eaten. Government bailouts pervert that entirely natural process by prolonging the life of companies that have not proven themselves worthy of survival. We should have let GM go bankrupt and be auctioned off one limb at a time.

JB:   Baaaaaabbbyyy…

H:   Justin.

DC:   It is the same principal at work on the international stage. Some countries have no greater value than as a kind of nourishment for the others. They were bred to be consumed. Take an oil-rich country like Iraq, for example ... what the hell is he doing?

JB:   Mmm..uhn..uhn…Mmm…Mmm

H:   Dancing, I think. Justin?

JB:   Sup, dawg?

H:   Have a seat…no, not there. Right up here next to Mr. Cheney. Atta boy. Let me ask you a few questions.

JB:   Shoot, beagle-dawg.

H:   What is your reaction to the notion of a Unitary Executive?

JB:   …

H:   Justin?

JB:   Baaaaabbyyy… Baby, baby…

H:   No. Justin, let’s focus. Just for a minute. Do you think a Unitary Executive is an affront to the structure of our democracy, or do you think, for reasons never contemplated by the founding fathers, that sort concentration of Executive power is necessary in today’s dangerous world?

JB:   In all seriousness…

H:   Yes?

JB:   This is a picture of my girlfriend.

H:   Yes. Okay…

DC:   Henry, have you noticed this kid’s skin? It… it almost glows.

H:   Justin. Put the picture away. Focus. Unitary … Executive.

JB:   Yeah, I’m Canadian, so, like, I don’t really know what that is. Is that like a studio executive who is, like, part unicorn, or…

H:   Let’s try something else. How about torture? Do you know what torture is?

JB:   Love is torture, dawg.

H:   Well, maybe, but…

JB:   Baaaaabbyyy… Baby, baby…

H:   No. Okay, wait. Stop… just stop with the singing. What about waterboarding? In your opinion is waterboarding torture?

JB:   Surfing? Nah, dawg. Surfing is rad!

DC:   It’s just so god damned perfect. Like porcelain. Like baby skin.

H:   Moving on. What about the Patriot Act? Do you think that the Patriot Act has been used to skewer the 4th Amendment to the United States Constitution and, if so, how?

JB:   Now that is a song! Pa-tre-o-tize my love, girl…uhn…uhn…Mmm… you gonna make me-o-rise my love girl…uhn…uhn…Mmm…gonna skewer your amend-ment, girl, with my …  Ow! Hey! Cut it out man! He bit me!!

H:   Mr. Cheney! No! No biting!

DC:   So…delicious.

JB:   Ow! Stop! I just peed my pants! Let go! Mom! Mom!

DC:   Mmm…baby! Come back here, kid!

H:   Oh, the horror. The Horror.


Next Guest: Arnold Schwarzenegger


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