The Fiction of Owen Thomas

Henry's Interview Corner


A Beagle Dreams of Finally Getting Some Answers

Arnold Schwarzenegger

(Interviewed June 1, 2013)

H:   Arnold Schwarzenegger, welcome to Henry’s interview corner.

AS:   Tank you fo having me. You’re a dog.

H:   And you’re very observant. Ah-ah, no touching. This is a non-petting interview.

AS:   Oh. Sorry.

H:   I guess let’s start with the elephant in the room, and in that regard I really only have one question for you, sir.

AS:   Ya, I know, I know. Ask me de qvestion, little doggie.

H:   What the hell were you thinking?

AS:   I was not tinking. Dat was the problem with me. I was not tinking. I was acting on impulse.

H:   Well, it seemed awfully deliberate to me, as I think it did to most of us who have been paying attention. Now look at the mess you’ve made.

AS:   Ya, I know.

H:   I mean this thing is never going away. You realize that, right?

AS:   I am ashamed. I was not tinking about da consekvences.

H:   Not a quality people like to see in the governor, wouldn’t you agree?

AS:   No. I mean, yes. I mean I agree dat dat is not a quality that people want to see in a govuna.

H:   Right.

AS:   Or a husband.

H:   Excuse me? Hey, what did I say about touching?

AS:   Sorry. I forgot.

H:   It was, like, ten seconds ago.

AS:   Ya. I still forgot.

H:   So, you were saying?

AS:   I forgot that too.

H:   Something about a husband.

AS:   Oh. I said it is not a quality that people want to see in a husband.

H:   What does being a husband have to do with anything?

AS:   Now I am confused. What are you asking me about?

H:   I’m asking you about the elephant in the room, Governor.

AS:   Ya. Dat is what I thought. Da elephant.  Dat is why I am mentioning about being a husband.

H:   So, let me get this straight. You think that people are disappointed in you … as a husband … because you forced state employees to take an unpaid furlough every other Friday and now, years later, the state is still deep in litigation with state employees suing for back pay and the state treasury is staring down the barrel of twelve million dollar judgment?

AS:   Ha, ha. You are funny for a doggie. No, dat…dat was to save money because California was basically bankrupt. No, da people are disappointed in me as a husband because I had an affair with the family maid for almost fifteen years and carried on wid her under the noses of Maria and da children and also because I had a baby wid the maid at the same time that Maria was pregnant with my son and so I had two new baby boys by different women running around da house at da same time without Maria or da kids knowing anything about it and da maid and I had sex in da house when I would come home from da set of Batman and Robin when Maria and the kids were off on vacation and da maid would see me in my costume from da movie and dare was a codpiece involved and one thing led to another and it kind of went on like dat for almost fifteen years and da only good thing to come of it, besides my son, was that it gave me da opportunity to have my secret extra-marital sex at home rather than always having to, you know, get in da car and go out for it.

H:   …

AS:   Cat got da doggie’s tongue?

H:   You did all of that?

AS:   You did not know? How can you not know this? I have put it all in my new mem…mem… in my new book about my life.

H:   You put it all down into a book?

AS:   Ya.

H:   Like, for people to read about?

AS:   Ya.

H:   Including your family?

AS:   Ya. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell my life story with both da good and da bad. Da book is called Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story.

H:   I see. And, I can only imagine, you expect to collect a butt-load of money for this so-called apology memoir.

AS:   Ha, ha. Dat is a funny word for a dog to be saying. Butt-load.

H:   You’ll make millions.

AS:   Ya. And then I will make the book into a movie. Starring me as myself. And Dolph Lundren as Brigitte Nielsen because she is not talking to me just like Maria is not talking to me.

H:   A movie.

AS:   Yes. Dare will be lots of action and sexual relations and maids and angry Kennedy’s.

H:   This is going to be so much worse than Jingle All the Way isn’t it?

AS:   Oh, yeah. Much worse. But it will make five times as much money. Maybe six times.

H:   Because of the scandal.

AS:   Ya. And because Maria will be in it.

H:   What?!

AS:   Ya, ya. I hope so anyway. I have asked her but she has not returned my calls.

H:   What makes you think she would want to relive this nightmare by reenacting it on screen?

AS:   Oh, no. You misunderstand. I want Maria to play da part of Mildred Baene.

H:   Who’s that?

AS:   That was my maid. Maria would play Mildred in da movie and Mildred would play Maria. In Hollywood, that is called casting against type and that is where da movie will get huma.

H:   Huma?

AS:   Ya. Da funny pots. Da laughing. You see? Da audience will not be expecting dat. Also this way I will have a love scene with Maria on the floor in the guestroom.

H:   Okay. Get the hell out of my studio.

AS:   What? Really?

H:   Yes. Go. Stop touching me. Go. Shoo.

AS:   I’ll be back.

H:   I really don’t think so.


Next Guest:  Lance Armstrong


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